I can never tell when I have gone to far...Other than the fact that I always measure my experiences by other's reactions to my explanations.
I used to feel trapped in some strange world removed from the blind/unquestioning reality tunnel in which I found myself forced to deal with just so I was not locked away by some form of subverted schizoid madness.
But now, when ever the ridiculous social trauma of life begin to weigh down upon me, I think of the dead cat I came across while in a similar mind state, chain of though as I have come to refer to it as...nothing has any meaning when weighed against the measure of our lives...the shear joy of existence (does the knowledge that I was a planned pregnancy colour my way of thinking? I belive so) overrides the pain that comes from life.
5/3/08
5/22/07
find a whole...
Been looking for myself for so very long… so very, very long. I haven't found anything of real value, by that I mean no value other than what I myself have placed upon it.
Weightless intensities of spirit and faith and dogma lead me to believe nothing.
If God is dead who's ass rests upon the throne? Who holds the reins of this wild thing eternity? Never did I believe in the throne, let alone the ass, not even when I paid lip service to the kings of heaven. My god hole has always been sadly empty, an abyss one might say.
At a young age, not knowing anything let alone anyone, I leapt into this hole. Have yet to find bottom. Have yet to find meaning. Only emptiness supports my weighty thoughts, the fragile shell of reality long shattered by my fumbling, falling.
Looking outside for wisdom or knowledge to fill the vast pit of my soul did nothing but point me further down, deeper. Chapel Perilous awaits below to crush this great emptiness into some promised gold. Forever and never my heart swells with anticipation, I fear not what awaits, I will survive. In some form or another.
Weightless intensities of spirit and faith and dogma lead me to believe nothing.
If God is dead who's ass rests upon the throne? Who holds the reins of this wild thing eternity? Never did I believe in the throne, let alone the ass, not even when I paid lip service to the kings of heaven. My god hole has always been sadly empty, an abyss one might say.
At a young age, not knowing anything let alone anyone, I leapt into this hole. Have yet to find bottom. Have yet to find meaning. Only emptiness supports my weighty thoughts, the fragile shell of reality long shattered by my fumbling, falling.
Looking outside for wisdom or knowledge to fill the vast pit of my soul did nothing but point me further down, deeper. Chapel Perilous awaits below to crush this great emptiness into some promised gold. Forever and never my heart swells with anticipation, I fear not what awaits, I will survive. In some form or another.
4/18/07
of means and ends
Fighting for my life
From the outside
Trying to keep my head
Above the rising tide
Blood on my hands
Stains me all red
My mind it is haunted
By lows of the dead
With what we're doing
The answers are clear
But all we're finding
Is heartache and fear
I can see the future
Reflections of the past
Fighting for the changes
But these things never last
(Chorus)
They say that it's coming
And won't be televised
The violence in the cities
The horror in our eyes
All this blood in the streets
From the angry and the wise
Spilt by the hands
Of those fed on only lies
From the outside
Trying to keep my head
Above the rising tide
Blood on my hands
Stains me all red
My mind it is haunted
By lows of the dead
With what we're doing
The answers are clear
But all we're finding
Is heartache and fear
I can see the future
Reflections of the past
Fighting for the changes
But these things never last
(Chorus)
They say that it's coming
And won't be televised
The violence in the cities
The horror in our eyes
All this blood in the streets
From the angry and the wise
Spilt by the hands
Of those fed on only lies
12/28/06
midnight come 'round
Been waitn‘, not too hasty now.
Only so much can be done per day.
Even so’s far apart as these.
Must keep up appearances.
Show my hand now and you might just get a bead.
Once...
alright I lie, twice
(don’t believe a word, I do it all the time)
I’ve spoke a thought or so to change another about the head and shoulders.
Don’t mean nothing by me but that they was lookin’ for sumn’ and I’s said it the right way. Don’t mean nuthn’, nuthn’ at all.
Talkn’ all fancy don’ mean a damned thing in the end,
the big end.
But one don’ wanna look the fool.
Right?
Only so much can be done per day.
Even so’s far apart as these.
Must keep up appearances.
Show my hand now and you might just get a bead.
Once...
alright I lie, twice
(don’t believe a word, I do it all the time)
I’ve spoke a thought or so to change another about the head and shoulders.
Don’t mean nothing by me but that they was lookin’ for sumn’ and I’s said it the right way. Don’t mean nuthn’, nuthn’ at all.
Talkn’ all fancy don’ mean a damned thing in the end,
the big end.
But one don’ wanna look the fool.
Right?
Every breath, a moment of wonder.
It all begins with the question; why am I… Here? Alive? Without a head? The great existential quest for meaning. Is it possible that the quest is the purpose in and of itself?
This of course brings to mind Chinese proverb bullshit about roads or/and journeys verses intrinsic value, but that is beside the point. One would not be on the path if one had not decided that the means may justify the end. How much knowledge came from the efforts of human monsters?
Here however you cannot bring up the issue of “good” and “not-good” as some non-arbitrary measure of value. Knowledge is just human understanding of existing evidence, and do not forget that evidence can be inaccurate or/and misinterpreted.
Wonder.
Is this new of form and thought? Is this old in some classic sense? Old patterns and new are traps for which to fall.
Wonder.
Like singing the bird flies to my mind from outside my window as late dawn breaks. The days are getting to be the same as the years before. Still no sun can blind me like the right eyes in mine.
Wonder.
Is this nonsense making any? Is language just gibberish of another monkey kind, running, rambling. The river of tongue making its way onward you see. Of course not, there is nothing. Only time for one more now.
Wonder.
All meaning is now officially lost. Thank you very much for traveling. Can you hear the message behind the empty questions? I asked. The answers are forthcoming and straight forward. All meaning is now official. I do not need any more, this was the last today.
This of course brings to mind Chinese proverb bullshit about roads or/and journeys verses intrinsic value, but that is beside the point. One would not be on the path if one had not decided that the means may justify the end. How much knowledge came from the efforts of human monsters?
Here however you cannot bring up the issue of “good” and “not-good” as some non-arbitrary measure of value. Knowledge is just human understanding of existing evidence, and do not forget that evidence can be inaccurate or/and misinterpreted.
Wonder.
Is this new of form and thought? Is this old in some classic sense? Old patterns and new are traps for which to fall.
Wonder.
Like singing the bird flies to my mind from outside my window as late dawn breaks. The days are getting to be the same as the years before. Still no sun can blind me like the right eyes in mine.
Wonder.
Is this nonsense making any? Is language just gibberish of another monkey kind, running, rambling. The river of tongue making its way onward you see. Of course not, there is nothing. Only time for one more now.
Wonder.
All meaning is now officially lost. Thank you very much for traveling. Can you hear the message behind the empty questions? I asked. The answers are forthcoming and straight forward. All meaning is now official. I do not need any more, this was the last today.
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